Funny Groucho Marx Quotes

I love Marx Brothers and their funny movies! Don’t you? No one can beat fast talking and wise cracking Groucho Marx sayings. I am not sure why he is known as Groucho, as he is nothing but. There many funny Marx Brothers books and movies that keep you laughing for hours and classic comedy series that is great for people who want to laugh: see here for Marx Brothers Comedy.

Enjoy some of the famous Groucho Marx Quotes for you here.


A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

I don’t have a photograph. I’d give you my footprints, but they’re upstairs in my socks.

A man is as young as the woman he feels.

got $25 from Reader’s Digest last week for something I never said. I get credit all the time for things I never said. You know that line in You Bet Your Life? The guy says he has seventeen kids and I say: “I smoke a cigar, but I take it out of my mouth occasionally”? I never said that.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

As soon as I get through with you, you’ll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn’t time to dig trenches.
We’ll have to buy them ready made.


Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don’t anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you’re always trying for a topper you aren’t really listening. It ruins communication.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

A likely story — and probably true.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter.
Someday I intend reading it.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Here’s to our wives and girlfriends … may they never meet!

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.”

How do you feel about women’s rights? I like either side of them.

“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.”

I sent the club a wire stating, ‘Please accept my resignation’.
I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.

I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.

I know, I know – you’re a woman who’s had a lot of tough breaks.
Well, we can clean and tighten those brakes, but you’ll have to stay in the garage all night.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Funny Marx Brothers; Laugh Today & Feel Good Today:

[Mrs. Teasdale]: He’s had a change of heart.
[Groucho]: A lot of good that’ll do him. He’s still got the same face.

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I’ve been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.

Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Now there’s a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here!

Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put ‘Emily, I love you’ on the back of the bill.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing .. if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says ‘yes,’ you know he is a crook.

Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren’t developed. . . But we’re going back next week.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Time wounds all heels.

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I’ll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

Image source: Marx Brothers

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