Famous, Fun and Funny Quotes and Sayings

Life without humor is, food without salt. Many of our daily life can be hectic, chaotic and downright serious. We could all use some refreshing, motivational funny sayings to bring little laughter in to our lives. Please check out some funny and famous quotes and sayings that will uplift your mood.

My psychiatrist told me I’m going crazy.
I told him, ‘If you don’t mind I’d like a second opinion.’
He said, ‘Alright…. you’re ugly too!’
Rodney Dangerfield

If you believe everything you read, better not read.
Japanese proverb

We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.
Colonel Gerald Wellman

I have a mind like a steel trap. Stuff gets in there and WHAM! it never gets back out again.
Bill Austin

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

Opinions are like feet. Everybody’s got a couple, and they usually stink.
Jim Slattery

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order.
Brian Pickrell

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, “No hablo ingles.”-Unknown

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Redd Foxx

Everyone has photographic memory; some just don’t have the film.-Unknown

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car.-Unknown

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Frank Zappa

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
George Carlen

Noise proves nothing – often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid. -Mark Twain

“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.” – Douglas Adams

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.-Unknown

Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting a falsehood, isn’t it?
Anonymous

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. -Unknown

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

One of the lessons of history is that Nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.
Will Durant

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.-Unknown

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher…and that is a good thing for any man.
Socrates

People used to explore the dimensions of reality by taking LSD to make the world look weird.
Now the world is weird and they take Prozac to make it look normal.
Bangstrom

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?-Unknown
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown
Isn’t it strange? The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously.
Cincinnati Enquirer
“Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.” – Joey Adams
How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before He Admits Hes lost? -Unknown
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain – and most fools do.
Dale Carnegie
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Carl Gustav Jung
Guys: No Shirt, No Service – Gals: No Shirt, No Charge-Unknown
If you don’t want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won’t have to work.
Ogden Nash
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn’t take it out of my garden.
Eric Morecambe
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. – Mark Twain
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.
Gordon R. Dickson

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