Category: Funny Quotes

Alice In Wonderland: Movie Quotes from Alice In Wonderland

Alice and Wonderland is wonderful novel and several movies has been made based on the story including one from the Disney and recent movie with Johnny Depp. All are wonderful, here are some of the quotes from 1951 Alice in Wonderland Movie.

King of Hearts: (reading through a rulebook) Rule 42: All persons more than a mile high must leave the court immediately!
Alice: I am not a mile high! And I am not leaving.
Queen of Hearts: (nervously) I’m sorry! It’s Rule 42, you know.
Alice: Now as for you, Your Majesty. (unaware that she is shrinking quickly) Your Majesty, indeed. Why, you’re not a queen. You’re just a fat, pompous, bad-tempered old- (finally realizes she has shrunk down) -tyrant.
Queen of Hearts: And what were you saying, my dear?
Cheshire Cat: (appears suddenly) Well, she simply said you’re a fat, pompous, bad-tempered old tyrant! (disappears laughing)
Alice: Oh, Cheshire Cat! It’s you!
Cheshire Cat: Whom did you expect? The White Rabbit perchance?
Alice: [crying] Oh, no, no, no. I-I-I’m through with white rabbits. I want to go home! [blows nose] But I can’t find my way.
Cheshire Cat: Naturally. That’s because you have no way. All ways here, you see, are the QUEEN’S WAYS!!
Alice: But I’ve never met any Queen.
Cheshire Cat: You haven’t? You haven’t?! Oh, but you must! She’ll be mad about you. Simply mad.
Mad Hatter: I beg your pardon?
Alice: Why is a raven like a writing desk?
Mad Hatter: [shocked] WHY IS A WHAT?!
March Hare: [nervously] Careful! SHE’S STARK RAVING MAD!
Alice: But it’s your silly riddle. You just said…
Mad Hatter: [nervously] Easy! Don’t get excited!
March Hare: [trying to make peace with Alice] how about a nice cup of tea?
Alice: [Angrily] “Have a cup of tea” indeed! Well, I’M sorry, but i just HAVEN’T the time!
alice
Alice: [drinks from the “Drink Me” bottle] Mmm… tastes like cherry tart. [unknowingly shrinks down to the size of the table; takes another sip] Custard. [shrinks down again, barely holding onto the bottle; takes another drink] Pineapple. [shrinks down so much, she’s now even smaller than the bottle itself and struggling with its weight] Roast turkey – [finally aware of the potion’s effect] Goodness! [unable to support the bottle any longer, she slips and drops it; the “Drink Me” label covers her] What did I do?!
Doorknob: [chuckles] You almost went out like a candle!
Alice: [runs up to the Doorknob; delighted] But look! I’m just the right size!
[She’s about to open the door, but the Doorknob pulls away.]
Doorknob: No use. [laughs] I forgot to tell you. I’m locked!
Alice: Oh no!
Doorknob: [stops laughing] But of course, you’ve got the key, so-
Alice: What key?
Doorknob: Now, don’t tell me you’ve left it up there?!
[A key magically appears on the table Alice can no longer reach.]
Alice: Oh dear!
Narrator: [first lines] Once upon a time in the hot golden summer day in London, a little girl named Alice sat perched in a tree listening to her big sister read aloud from a history book. In fact, she was ildy weaving a daisy chain for her cat, Dianah who was curled up beside her on the sturdy low branch.
Alice’s Sister: Alice. Will you kindly pay attention to your history lesson?
Alice: I’m sorry, but how can one possibly pay attention to a book with no pictures in it?
Alice’s Sister: My dear child, there are a great many good books in this world without pictures.
Alice: In this world, perhaps, but in my world, the books would be nothing but pictures.
Alice’s Sister: Your world? Huh! What nonsense.
Alice: [getting inspiration] Nonsense?
Alice’s Sister: Once more, from the beginning.
Alice: [to her cat] That’s it, Dinah. If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn’t. And contrariwise, what it is, it wouldn’t be. And what it wouldn’t be it would. You see?
Dinah: Meow.
Alice: In my world, you wouldn’t say “meow.” You’d say, “Yes, Miss Alice.”
Dinah: Meow.
Alice: Oh, but you would. You’d be just like people, Dinah. And all the other animals too.

Alice In Wonderland Books and Movies:

Queen of Hearts: Off with his head!
King of Hearts: Off with his head. Off with his head. By order of the King. Uh, you heard what she said.
Mad Hatter: [to Rabbit] Well, no wonder you’re late! Why this clock is EXACTLY two days slow!
Rabbit: Two days slow?
Mad Hatter: Of course you’re late! [chuckles as he dunks the watch in the tea] MY GOODNESS! we’ll have to look into this. [looks through a salt shaker] AHA! i see what’s wrong with it! [starts to take watch apart] why, this watch is full of wheels!
Rabbit: [shocked] NOT MY GOOD WATCH!! OH, MY WHEELS AND SPRINGS! But-but-but-but-but-but-
Mad Hatter: BUTTER! Of course! it NEEDS some butter.BUTTER!!!
March Hare: [shouts into Rabbit’s ear] BUTTER!!!
Rabbit: [confused] B-b-butter?
Mad Hatter:Butter! oh, thank you! ha ha! yes! that’s FINE! yes, thank you!
Rabbit: Oh, no no! no no! no! you’ll get crumbs in it!
Mad Hatter: Oh, THIS is the VERY BEST butter! [throws butter in rabbit’s face] what are you talking about?
March Hare: Tea?
Mad Hatter: Oh, Tea! I never THOUGHT of tea! OF COURSE!
Rabbit: NO!
Mad Hatter: TEA! HEHEHE!
Rabbit: [shocked] NO! NOT TEA!
March Hare: Sugar?
Mad Hatter: SUGAR! TWO SPOONS! Yes,ha, TWO SPOONS thank you! yes! (jams the spoons straight into the watch)
Rabbit: [shocked] OH,PLEASE! BE CAREFUL!
March Hare: JAM?
Mad Hatter: JAM! I FORGOT ALL ABOUT JAM!
Rabbit: NO! NO! NOT JAM!
Mad Hatter: Yes, sure you want. it’s nice to see.
March Hare: MUSTARD??
Mad Hatter: Mustard! yes, but-MUSTARD?! DON’T LET’S BE SILLY!!! LEMON, that’s different, that’s…yes. THAT should do it! hahaha! [watch starts going crazy] LOOK AT THAT!
March Hare: IT’S GOING MAD!
Alice: OH, MY GOODNESS!
Rabbit: OH, DEAR!
Mad Hatter: I DON’T UNDERSTAND! IT’S THE BEST BUTTER!

Check out Alice In Wonderland Movies and Books

Motivational Monty Python and Holy Grail Quotes:

I love Monty Python series. Here are some memorable quotes from Monty Python and Holy Grail.

God: Every time I try to talk to someone it’s “sorry this” and “forgive me that” and “I’m not worthy”…

King Arthur: I am your king.
Woman: Well I didn’t vote for you.
King Arthur: You don’t vote for kings.
Woman: Well how’d you become king then?
[Angelic music plays… ]

[the King gestures to the window]
King of Swamp Castle: One day, lad, all this will be yours.
Prince Herbert: What, the curtains?
King of Swamp Castle: No, not the curtains, lad, all that you can see stretched out over the valleys and the hills! That’ll be your kingdom, lad.

King Arthur: One, two, five!
Sir Galahad: Three sir!
King Arthur: THREE!

Minstrel: [singing] Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin. He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, and his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin. His head smashed in and heart cut out, and his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, and his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off and his penis…
Sir Robin: That’s, uh, that’s enough music for now, lads… looks like there’s dirty work afoot.

The Complete Monty Python’s Flying Circus Collector’s Edition Megaset

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Monty Python’s Life Of Brian – The Immaculate Edition

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (+ UltraViolet Digital Copy)

God: What are you doing now?
King Arthur: Averting our eyes, oh Lord.
God: Well, don’t. It’s just like those miserable psalms, always so depressing. Now knock it off!

Tim: Follow. But. Follow only if ye be men of valour, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived. Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.
King Arthur: What an eccentric performance.

King Arthur: Can we come up and have a look?
French Soldier: Of course not. You’re English types.
King Arthur: What are you then?
French Soldier: I’m French. Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king?
Sir Galahad: What are you doing in England?
French Soldier: Mind your own business.

monty

Sir Lancelot: [Bursts into the Prince’s room and kneels before him after killing the guards] Oh, fair one, behold, I am you humble servant Sir Launcelot. I have come to take
[looks up and realizes that he is kneeling before an effeminate Prince, not a Princess]
Sir Lancelot: Oh, I’m terribly sorry!
Prince Herbert: You got my note!
Sir Lancelot: Uh, well, I got a note.
Prince Herbert: You’ve come to rescue me! I knew someone would! I knew that somewhere out there, there must be someone who
[Music swells]
King of Swamp Castle: Stop that! Stop it! Stop it!
[Music stops]
King of Swamp Castle: Who are you?
Prince Herbert: I’m your son!
King of Swamp Castle: No, not you!
Sir Lancelot: I am Sir Launcelot, sir.
Prince Herbert: He’s come to rescue me, father!
Sir Lancelot: Well, let’s not jump to conclusions.
King of Swamp Castle: Did you kill all those guards?
Sir Lancelot: Um… oh, yes! Sorry.
King of Swamp Castle: They cost fifty pounds each!
Sir Lancelot: Well, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.
King of Swamp Castle: Well, I can understand that.

King of Swamp Castle: When I first came here, this was all swamp. Everyone said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built in all the same, just to show them. It sank into the swamp. So I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. And that’s what you’re going to get, Lad, the strongest castle in all of England.

Knight 1: We are now no longer the Knights who say Ni.
Knight 2: NI.
Other Knights: Shh…
Knight 1: We are now the Knights who say… “Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-PTANG. Zoom-Boing. Z’nourrwringmm.

Woman: Oh. How do you do?
King Arthur: How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Whose castle is that?
Woman: King of the who?
King Arthur: King of the Britons.
Woman: Who are the Britons?
King Arthur: Well, we all are. We are all Britons. And I am your king.
Woman: I didn’t know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
Dennis: You’re foolin’ yourself! We’re living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working class…
Woman: Oh, there you go bringing class into it again.
Dennis: Well, that’s what it’s all about! If only people would…
King Arthur: Please, please, good people, I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?
Woman: No one lives there.
King Arthur: Then who is your lord?
Woman: We don’t have a lord.
Dennis: I told you, we’re an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to be a sort of executive officer for the week…
King Arthur: Yes…
Dennis: …but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting…
King Arthur: Yes I see…
Dennis: …by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs…
King Arthur: Be quiet!
Dennis: …but by a two thirds majority in the case of…
King Arthur: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
Woman: Order, eh? Who does he think he is?

Minstrel: [singing] He is packing it in and packing it up And sneaking away and buggering off And chickening out and pissing off home, Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge.

Image source: Month Python

Husband and Wives Sayings: Marriage Quotes

Love and marriage goes together like a horse and carriage! There are many things written about husbands and wives and marriages; some are inspirational and some are downright funny! Here are some marriage quotes from famous people and kids too.

No man is regular in his attendance at the House of Commons until he is married.  ~Benjamin Disraeli

He’s the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.  ~Mae West

Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows – marriage does.  ~Groucho Marx

In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar, a custom which is still continued.  –Helen Rowland, Reflections of a Bachelor Girl, 1909<

Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, and such as are out wish to get in?  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson, Representative Men, 1850

When a man opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.  ~Prince Philip

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?  ~Barbra Streisand

If you haven’t seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven’t seen her smile her prettiest.  ~Kin Hubbard

Marriage is a bribe to make the housekeeper think she’s a householder.  ~Thornton Wilder

No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.  ~H.L. Mencken

Marriage, a market which has nothing free but the entrance.  ~Michel de Montaigne

You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, ’cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding.  ~Jim, age 10

It gives me a headache to think about that stuff.  I’m just a kid.  I don’t need that kind of trouble.  ~Kenny, age 7, when asked if it’s better to be single or married

W]hen you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.  ~Nora Ephron, When Harry Met Sally

It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.  ~Robert Frost

I’d marry again if I found a man who had fifteen million dollars and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage, and guarantee he’d be dead within the year.  ~Bette Davis

Improve Relationship and Marriage

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It

Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts

Men should keep their eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.  ~Madeleine de Scudery

Marrying for love may be a bit risky, but it is so honest that God can’t help but smile on it.  ~Josh Billings

Someone once asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the common-sensical reply that we don’t have as much money.  That was a true but incomplete answer.  In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.  ~Gloria Steinem

Courtship to marriage is as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.  ~William Congreve, The Old Bachelor, 1693

The concept of two people living together for 25 years without a serious dispute suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep.  ~A.P. Herbert

Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.  ~Elbert Hubbard

I never even believed in divorce until after I got married.  ~Diane Ford

As a man, I’ve learned that there is nothing easier in married life than pleasing your wife with your cooking.  ~Robert Brault

If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.  ~Unknown

When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.  ~Nora Ephron, When Harry Met Sally

It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.  ~Robert Frost

I never even believed in divorce until after I got married.  ~Diane Ford

Courtship to marriage is as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.  ~William Congreve, The Old Bachelor, 1693

If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.  ~Alan King

As a man, I’ve learned that there is nothing easier in married life than pleasing your wife with your cooking.  ~Robert Brault,

Someone once asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the common-sensical reply that we don’t have as much money.  That was a true but incomplete answer.  In fact, woman’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.  ~Gloria Steinem

They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.  ~Alexander Pope, The Wife of Bath, 1713

Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.  ~Evelyn Hendrickson

When the one man loves the one woman and the one woman loves the one man, the very angels desert heaven and come and sit in that house and sing for joy.  ~The Brahma Sutras

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.  ~Author Unknown

If you are afraid of loneliness, don’t marry.  ~Anton Chekov

The Wedding March always reminds me of the music played when soldiers go into battle.  ~Heinrich Heine

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.  ~Cher

This is guest from Mala Breganza who writes for Attachment Parenting site, where you will find parenting tips, personal finance tips, health issues, traveling with kids, finding zen balance and parenting gears and gift ideas.

Movie Quotes: Fun Quotes About Famous Movies

Some of the classic and blockbuster movies have some great dialogues and quotes that people remember years later. It becomes a classic lines that can be remembered by many movie buff and movie lovers; Here are some famous movie quotes for you to enjoy!

These top 50 movie quotes are created and compiled by AFI.com. To see part 2 of the series and see remaining 51-100  movie quotes click:  Top all time favorite Movie Quotes Part 2.

1 – Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.
GONE WITH THE WIND 1939

2 – I’m going to make him an offer he can’t refuse.
GODFATHER, THE 1972

3 – You don’t understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I could’ve been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am.
ON THE WATERFRONT 1954

4 –Toto, I’ve got a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.
WIZARD OF OZ, THE 1939

5 – Here’s looking at you, kid.
CASABLANCA 1942

If you like to watch the original program ran by AFI for various movie related top 100 things click here: AFI top 100 Movie Things

6 – Go ahead, make my day.
SUDDEN IMPACT 1983

7 – All right, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my closeup.
SUNSET BLVD. 1950

8 – May the Force be with you.
STAR WARS 1977

9 – Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a bumpy night.
ALL ABOUT EVE 1950

10 – You talking to me?
TAXI DRIVER 1976

11 – What we’ve got here is failure to communicate.
COOL HAND LUKE 1967

12 – I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
APOCALYPSE NOW 1979

13 – Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
LOVE STORY 1970

14 – The stuff that dreams are made of.
MALTESE FALCON, THE 1941

15 – E.T. phone home.
E.T. THE EXTRATERRESTRIAL 1982

16 – They call me Mister Tibbs!
IN THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT 1967

17 – Rosebud.
CITIZEN KANE 1941

18 – Made it, Ma! Top of the world!
WHITE HEAT 1949

19 – I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!
NETWORK 1976

20 – Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
CASABLANCA 1942

21 – A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
SILENCE OF THE LAMBS, THE 1991

22 – Bond. James Bond.
DR. NO 1962

23 – There’s no place like home.
WIZARD OF OZ, THE 1939

24 – I am big! It’s the pictures that got small.
SUNSET BLVD. 1950

25 – Show me the money!
JERRY MAGUIRE 1996

26 – Why don’t you come up sometime and see me?
SHE DONE HIM WRONG 1933

27 – I’m walking here! I’m walking here!
MIDNIGHT COWBOY 1969

28 – Play it, Sam. Play ‘As Time Goes By.’
CASABLANCA 1942

29 – You can’t handle the truth!
FEW GOOD MEN, A 1992

30 – I want to be alone.
GRAND HOTEL 1932

31 – After all, tomorrow is another day!
GONE WITH THE WIND 1939

32 – Round up the usual suspects.
CASABLANCA 1942

33 – I’ll have what she’s having.
WHEN HARRY MET SALLY 1989

34 – You know how to whistle, don’t you, Steve?
You just put your lips together and blow.
TO HAVE AND HAVE NOT 1944

35 – You’re gonna need a bigger boat.
JAWS 1975

36 – Badges? We ain’t got no badges! We don’t need no badges! I don’t have to show you any stinking badges!
TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE, THE 1948

37 – I’ll be back.
TERMINATOR, THE 1984

38 – Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.
PRIDE OF THE YANKEES, THE 1942

39 If you build it, he will come.
FIELD OF DREAMS 1989
40 – Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re
gonna get.
FORREST GUMP 1994
41 – We rob banks.
BONNIE AND CLYDE 1967

42 – Plastics.
GRADUATE, THE 1967

43 – We’ll always have Paris.
 CASABLANCA 1942

44 – I see dead people.
SIXTH SENSE, THE 1999

45 – Stella! Hey, Stella!
STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE, A 1951

46 – Oh, Jerry, don’t let’s ask for the moon. We have the stars.
NOW, VOYAGER 1942
47 – Shane. Shane. Come back!
SHANE 1953

48 – Well, nobody’s perfect.
SOME LIKE IT HOT 1959

49 – It’s alive! It’s alive!
FRANKENSTEIN 1931

50 – Houston, we have a problem.
APOLLO 13 1995

Check out all AFI posters, movies here

Source: American Film Institute  

Humorous Saying: Funny Quotes to Chuckle With

Humor is important part of our life, if we did everything serious and efficient it would not be fun. People can be motivated and inspired by funny quotes. If nothing else, it will make you smile or chuckle a bit. It sure worth it.

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.  -George Bernard Shaw

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. -Bob Hope

All men are equal before fish. -Herbert Hoover

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. -Casey Stengel

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.  -Bill Cosby

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.  -Woody Allen

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. –Rodney Dangerfield

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.  -Steven Wright

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. – Joan Rivers

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.  –Fred Allen

I like marriage. The idea.  -Toni Morrison

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. -Rodney Dangerfield

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. -Walt Disney

Read More Funny Quotes:

Phillips’ Book of Great Thoughts & Funny Sayings: A Stupendous Collection of Quotes, Quips, Epigrams, Witticisms, and Humorous Comments. For Personal Enjoyment and Ready Reference.

Great Funny Quotes: Sweeten Your Life with Laughter

Quote Junkie Funny Edition: Hundreds Of Hilarious Quotes By Some Of The Most Serious Men And Women In The History Of The World

I love to go to Washington – if only to be near my money. -Bob Hope
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
-Frank Sinatra

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.  -Rodney Dangerfield

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun. –Arnold Schwarzenegger

I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time. -Charles M. Schulz

I have never been hurt by what I have not said. -Calvin Coolidge

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. -Elayne Boosler

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.  –Hedy Lamarr

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. –Groucho Marx

As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. -Buddy Hackett

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers. -Kevin Nealon

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday. –George Burns

I think serial monogamy says it all. –Tracey Ullman

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut. –Ellen DeGeneres

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. -Mae West

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. –David Lee Roth

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. -Les Dawson

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry. -Norman Wisdom

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. –Emo Philips

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone. –Rod Schmidt

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down. –Mitch Hedberg

I wish I had the nerve not to tip. –Paul Lynde

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. –Bertrand Russell

I’d luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair. –Bette Davis

I’d never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room. –Mercedes McCambridge

People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant. -Ellen DeGeneres

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. –Don Marquis

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. –Ronald Reagan

I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend. –Emo Philips
A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore. –Yogi Berra

I rant, therefore I am. -Dennis Miller

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I’m watching the highlights. –Jay London

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. –Groucho Marx

I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church. -Paul Lynde

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” –Claude Pepper