Silly and Funny Sayings, Quotes

We all can use and need humor and laughter in our lives. Here are some of the silliest and funny quotes that make you chuckle or smile. We all have a tough days here and there, and these quotes are for those rainy day when we can use little bit of help to make us smile at silliness of the quotes.

Silly Quotes:

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you. -Unknown

They say that love is more important than money, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug? – Unknown

The broccoli says ‘I look like a small tree’, the mushroom says ‘I look like an umbrella’, the walnut says ‘I look like a brain’, and the banana says ‘Can we please change the subject?’ – Unknown

Girls are like phones. We love to be held and talked to, but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected! -Unknown

“Girls are like pianos. When they’re not upright, they’re grand.”- Benny Hill

“A friend is someone who’s there when he needs you”- Unknown

“Committee – a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.” – M. Berle

“I’m gonna live forever, or die trying.” – Joseph Heller (Catch 22)

“Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.” – Hubert Humphrey

“Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do.” -Ronald Reagan

“Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder” – Unknown

“I can see clearly now, the brain has gone” – Unknown

Spit happens (on a baby’s bib)

“I am nobody
Nobody is perfect
Therefore, I must be perfect!”
– Unknown

“Some people say that one’s personality is reflected off of their car… Well, I have no car.” – Unknown

If barbie is so popular….then y do u have 2 buy her friends? – Unknown

I intend to live forever, so far so good. -Unknown

I got to sit down and talk about where I stand. -Unknown

I am nobody and nobody is perfect, therefore, I am perfect. -Unknown

I can quit chocolate anytime I like, but I am not a quitter. -Unknown

A woman tells her doctor, ‘I’ve got a bad back.’
The doctor says, ‘It’s old age.’
The woman says, ‘I want a second opinion.’
The doctor says: ‘Okay – you’re ugly as well.’ -Unknown

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. -Phyllis Diller

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe. -Carl Sagan

Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. -Gordon R. Dickson

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher…and that is a good thing for any man. -Socrates

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn’t take it out of my garden. -Eric Morecambe

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.” -Rita Mae Brown

Isn’t it strange? The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously. -Cincinnati Enquirer

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. – W. C. Field

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain – and most fools do. -Dale Carnegie

Men marry women with the hope they will never change.
Women marry men with the hope they will change.
Invaribly they are both disappointed. – Albert Einstein

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
-George Carlen

Funny Movie Quotes: Airplane

I remember when I first saw move Airplane when I was in 3rd year of my college. Yes, movie came out much earlier but I did not get to see it then. I happened to see the movie in blockbuster rental store, and I saw image of Peter Graves, whom I loved in Old Television series called Mission Impossible. In side note, the tv series is much cool, compare to Tom Cruise movie series in my opinion and I am sure many die hard fan of old mission impossible series and Peter Graves. Anyway, so I thought this movie to be something of sci-fi or technical type of movie, so I was in totally surprise when I saw the movie, I had not seen anything like that and I think it is one of the funniest movie with some clever and funny dialogues. I am sure you all remember it those who have seen it, here are some that I like;

Steve McCroskey: He’ll never bring it down in this soup. Never! Not one chance in a million.
Rex Kramer: I know. I know. But it’s his ship now, his command; he’s in charge, he’s the boss, the head man, the top dog, the big cheese, the head honcho, number one…
Ted Striker: My orders came through. My squadron ships out tomorrow. We’re bombing the storage depots at Daiquiri at 1800 hours. We’re coming in from the north, below their radar. Elaine Dickinson: When will you be back? Ted Striker: I can’t tell you that. It’s classified.
Striped controller: Bad news. The fog’s getting thicker.
Johnny: [jumps to an overweight controller] And Leon is getting laaaaarrrrrger.
Elaine Dickinson: Ladies and gentleman, this is your stewardess speaking. We regret any inconvenience the sudden cabin movement might have caused. This is due to periodic air pockets we encountered. There’s no reason to be alarmed and we hope you enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?Steve McCroskey:[while waiting for Kramer, talking to the plane, and in the tower]Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking.Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking.

Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines!

Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue!

Rex Kramer: All right, Striker, you listen, and listen close. Flying a plane is no different from riding a bicycle; it’s just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes.
Dr. Rumack:
(repeated before, during and after the landing attempt)I just wanna tell you both: good luck. We’re all counting on you.

airplane

Rumack: You’d better tell the Captain we’ve got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.
Elaine Dickinson: A hospital? What is it?
Rumack: It’s a big building with patients, but that’s not important right now.

Striker: The stewardess told me that the pilot needed help…[Notices that only the autopilot is flying the plane] BOTH pilots?!
Rumack: Can you fly this plane and land it?
Striker: Surely you can’t be serious?
Rumack: I amserious. And don’t call me Shirley.

Ted Striker: Because of my mistake, six men didn’t return from that raid.
Elaine Dickinson: Seven. Lieutenant Zip died this morning.

 

Reporter: What kind of plane is it?

Johnny: Oh, it’s a big pretty white plane with red stripes, curtains in the windows and wheels and it looks like a big Tylenol!

 

Rex Kramer: Striker, listen, and you listen close: flying a plane is no different than riding a bicycle, just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes.

Dr. Rumack: Captain, these passengers don’t have much time. How soon can we land?
Capt. Oveur: I can’t tell.
Dr. Rumack: You can tell me, I’m a doctor.
Capt. Oveur: What I mean is, I don’t know.
Dr. Rumack: Well can’t you take a guess?
Capt. Oveur:…Not for another two hours.
Dr. Rumack: You can’t take a guess for another two hours?
Capt. Oveur: No what I’m saying is we can’t land for another two hours.
[as the plane prepares to take off]
Hanging Lady: Nervous?
Ted Striker: Yes.
Hanging Lady: First time?
Ted Striker: No, I’ve been nervous lots of times.
McCroskey: Johnny, what can you make of this? [hands Johnny a map]Johnny: This? Well, I can make a hat; I can make a broach; I can make a teradactyl!Roger Murdock: Flight 2-0-9’er, you are cleared for take-off.
Captain Oveur: Roger!
Roger Murdock: Huh?
Tower voice: L.A. departure frequency, 123 point 9’er.
Captain Oveur: Roger!
Roger Murdock: Huh?
Victor Basta: Request vector, over.
Captain Oveur: What?
Tower voice: Flight 2-0-9’er cleared for vector 324.
Roger Murdock: We have clearance, Clarence.
Captain Oveur: Roger, Roger. What’s our vector, Victor?
Tower voice: Tower’s radio clearance, over!
Captain Oveur: That’s Clarence Oveur. Over.
Tower voice: Over.
Captain Oveur: Roger.
Roger Murdock: Huh?
Tower voice: Roger, over!
Roger Murdock: What?
Captain Oveur: Huh?
Victor Basta: Who?

Click here to see Airplane! 2 Flicks for the Flight (Airplane and Airplane 2)

Click here to instantly watch Airplane! and Airplane II: The Sequel on Amazon Instant Video

Male announcer: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the red zone.

Female announcer: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the red zone.

[Later]

Male announcer: The red zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the white zone.

Female announcer: No, the white zone is for loading of passengers and there is no stopping in a RED zone.

Male announcer: The red zone has always been for loading and unloading of passengers. There’s never stopping in a white zone.

Female announcer: Don’t you tell me which zone is for loading, and which zone is for stopping!

Male announcer: Listen Betty, don’t start up with your white zone shit again.

[Later]

Male announcer: There’s just no stopping in a white zone.

 

Female announcer: Oh really, Vernon? Why pretend, we both know perfectly well what this is about. You want me to have an abortion.

Male announcer: It’s really the only sensible thing to do, if it’s done safely. Therapeutically there’s no danger involved.

Do you have your favorite Airplane movie quote? I came almost stopping and freezing Airplane DVD, and I almost felt like writing whole movie quotes, including the jive brothers and other quotes. Just watch the movie, it is funny and humor and smiling sure does wonder to us.

Source: Airplane DVD, IMDB

Image source: Airplaine DVD Cover

Blackadder Television Series Quotes: Part 2

Blackadder is British cult classic Television Series starring Rowan Atkinson. Although each series is set in a different era, all follow the fortunes (or rather, misfortunes) of Edmund Blackadder (played by Atkinson), who in each is a member of a British family dynasty present at many significant periods and places in British history. It is implied in each series that the Blackadder character is a descendant of the previous one, although it is never mentioned how any of the Blackadders manage to father children.

This funny series has many fans around the world, myself included. Here are some funny quotes from the Black adder. This is second part of the series, for first part of quotes: Click Funny Blackadder Quotes: Part 1.

Funny Quotes from Blackadder: Part 2

Percy: I’d like to meet the Spaniard who can make his way past me!
Blackadder: Well, go to Spain. There are millions of them.

Blackadder: Tell me, young crone, is this Putney?
Young Crone: [cackling] That it be! That it be!
Blackadder: “Yes, it is,” not “That it be”. And you don’t have to talk in that stupid voice to me, I’m not a tourist! I seek information about a Wise Woman.
Young Crone: The Wise Woman? The Wise Woman?!
Blackadder: Yes. The Wise Woman.
Young Crone: Two things, my Lord, must ye know of the Wise Woman. First… she is a woman! And second… she is…
Blackadder: Wise?
Young Crone: [normal] You do know her, then?
Blackadder: No, just a wild stab in the dark – which, incidentally, is what you’ll be getting if you don’t start being a bit more helpful! Do you know where she lives?
Young Crone: ‘Course.
Blackadder: Where?
Young Crone: ‘Ere. Do you have an appointment?
Blackadder: No.
Young Crone: Oh… you can go in anyway.
Blackadder: Thank you, young crone. Here is a purse of monies… [she tries to grab it] which I’m NOT going to give to you. [walks in]

blackadderWise Woman: Hail Edmund, Lord of Adders Black!
Blackadder: Hello.
Wise Woman: Step no further, for already I see thy bloody purpose. Thou plotest, Blackadder! Thou would be king, and drown Middlesex in a butt of wine! [cackles madly]
Blackadder: No, it’s much worse than that. I’m in love with my manservant!
Wise Woman: [nonchalant] Well, I’d sleep with him if I were you.
Blackadder: What!?
Wise Woman: When I fancy people, I sleep with them. I have to drug them first, being so old and warty.
Blackadder: But what of my position, my livelihood!?
Wise Woman: Very well, then there are three solutions, three cures for thy ailment. The first is simple: Kill Bob!
Blackadder: Never!
Wise Woman: Then try the second: kill yourself!
Blackadder: And the third?
Wise Woman: The third is to ensure that no one else ever knows.
Blackadder: Ah, that sounds more like it! How?
Wise Woman: KILL EVERYBODY IN THE WHOLE WORLD! [cackles madly]
Blackadder: [disturbed and confounded] Uh-huh.

Lord Flashheart: Thanks, bridesmaid, like the beard. Gives me something to hang onto!

Blackadder: To you, Baldrick, the Renaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn’t it?

Percy: May I come too, my lord?
Blackadder: No, best not. People might think we’re friends. Better stay here; bird-neck [Percy’s new look] and bird-brain [Baldrick] should get along like a house on fire!

If you have not seen the series, you can check out details here;

Black Adder: The Complete Collector’s Set
Black Adder Remastered V: The Specials
The Black Adder
Black Adder II

[Queenie wishes to see Lord Farrow, who has supposedly been executed]
Blackadder: Percy, this is a very difficult situation.
Percy: Yes, my lord.
Blackadder: Someone’s for the chop. You or me, in fact.
Percy: Ah, yes…
Blackadder: Let’s face facts, Perc: it’s you!
Percy: [nervously] Except, ex-cept… I may have a plan!
Blackadder: [dryly] Oh, yes…
Percy: Yes, eh… How about if we get Lord Farrow’s head and body and we take it to the Queen. Except, ex-cept… just before we get in, we start shouting and screaming, and then we come in saying “We were just on our way when he said something traitorous, and so we cut his head off in the corridor just to teach him a lesson!”
Blackadder: Pathetic! Absolutely pathetic! Contemptible! Worth a try!

Blackadder: To you, it’s a potato. To me, it’s a potato. But to Sir Walter bloody Raleigh, it’s fine estates, luxury carriages and as many girls as his tongue can handle! He’s making a fortune out of the things: people are smoking them, building houses out of them… they’ll be eating them next!

[After Queenie’s poor pirate imitation]
Melchett: [obviously humouring her] I beg your pardon, Your Majesty, but I was hoping to greet the gallant young sailor who hallooed me as I came in. Perchance he has hauled anchor and sailed away?
Queenie: [giggling] No! It was me!
Melchett: Majesty! Surely not!
Blackadder: [to Melchett] You utter creep.

Captain Rum: Truth is, I don’t know the way to the Cape of Good Hope anyway.
Blackadder: Good Lord! What were you going to do?!
Captain Rum: What I usually do: sail round and round the Isle of Wight until everyone’s dizzy and then head for home!
Blackadder: [smiles] You old rascal. Still, who cares? The day after tomorrow, we shall be in Calais. Captain, set sail for France!
[Everyone cheers. Cut to “The Day After The Day After Tomorrow”, when everyone looks less excited.]
Blackadder: … So, you don’t know the way to France either?
Captain Rum: No. I must confess that too.
Blackadder: [turns to Percy and Baldrick] Bugger.

Be sure to check out The Black Adder series, if you have not already done so yet.

If you are fan of the series, check out other DVDs starred by Funnyman Rowan Atkinson.

Source: Blackadder DVD, wikiquote

Image source: Wikipedia

Blackadder Quotes Part 1: British TV Series

Black adder is british Cult Classic Television Series. Blackadder is the name that encompassed four series of a BBC1 historical sitcom, along with several one-off installments. All television program episodes starred Rowan Atkinson as anti-hero Edmund Blackadder and Tony Robinson as Blackadder’s dogsbody, Baldrick. Each series was set in a different historical period with the two protagonists accompanied by different characters. This is part 1 of the series, check out Blackadder Quotes Part 2.

Black Adder TV Series Quotes

Opening narration: History has known many great liars. Copernicus. Goebbels. St. Ralph the Liar. [he is shown holding a sign which reads “St. Benedict the Liar”] But there have been none quite so vile as the Tudor King Henry VII. It was he who rewrote history to portray his predecessor, Richard III, as a deformed maniac who killed his nephews in the Tower. But the real truth is that Richard was a kind and thoughtful man who cherished his young wards, in particular Richard, Duke of York, who grew into a big, strong boy. Henry also claimed he won the Battle of Bosworth Field and killed Richard III. Again, the truth is very different; for it was Richard, Duke of York, who became king after Bosworth Field, and reigned for thirteen glorious years. As for who really killed Richard III and how the defeated Henry Tudor escaped with his life, all is revealed in this, the first chapter of a history never before told: the history of… the Black Adder!

Edmund: I like the cut of your jib, young fella me lad. What’s your name?
Baldrick: My name is Baldrick, my lord.
Edmund: Then I shall call you Baldrick, Baldrick.
Baldrick: And I shall call you “my lord,” my lord.

Percy: It will be a great day tomorrow for we nobles.
Prince Edmund: Well, not if we lose, Percy. If we lose, I’ll be chopped to pieces. My arms will end up at Essex, my torso in Norfolk, and my genitalia stuck up in a tree somewhere in Rutland.

Edmund: Don’t be absurd. Such activities are totally beyond my mother. My father only got anywhere with her because he told her it was a cure for diarrhoea.

black adder

Prince Harry: McAngus, this is the man who’ll be providing tomorrow’s entertainments! [gestures to Edmund]
Dougal McAngus: Ah, the eunuch! Delighted to meet you; there’s a groat for the troubles!
Edmund: [in a high pitched voice] I am not a eunuch!
Dougal McAngus: You sound like one to me!
Edmund: [normal voice] I am not a eunuch, I am the Duke of Edinburgh!
Dougal McAngus: [sarcastically] Oh you are, are you!? [turns to Queen Gertrude] Same old story, eh!? Duke of Edinburgh’s about as Scottish as the Queen of England’s tits! [realises] Och, nae offence, your Majesty.

If you have not seen the series, you can check out details here;

Black Adder: The Complete Collector’s Set
Black Adder Remastered V: The Specials
The Black Adder
Black Adder II

Harry: Yes, that’s right. A tragic accident.
Edmund: Almost as tragic as Archbishop Bertram being struck by a falling gargoyle whilst swimming off Beachy Head.
Harry: Yes, or Archbishop Wilfred slipping and falling backwards onto the spire of Norwich Cathedral. Oh, Lord, you do work in mysterious ways.

King Richard IV: [to Edmund] You, as compared to your beloved brother Harry, are as excrement compared to cream!
Harry: Oh, father, you flatter me!
Edmund: And me, also!

Graveney: And if I don’t leave my lands to the church, then what?
William: Then, Lord Graveney, you will assuredly go to Hell.
Graveney: Alas!
William: Hell, where the air is pungent with the aroma of roasted behinds!
Graveney: No, no! (coughs) I place my lands in the hands of the Church (signs) and so bid the world farewell.

Edmund: Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
Graveney: Am I in Paradise?
Edmund: No, no, not yet.
Graveney: Then this must be Hell. Alas, spare my posterior!
Edmund: No, no, you’re all right — it’s England.
Graveney: And you are not Satan?
Edmund: No, I’m the Archbishop of Canterbury.
Graveney: Your Grace, I have left all my lands to the Church. Am I to be saved?

Edmund: Someone like you go to Hell? Never. Never!!
Graveney: But I have committed many sins.
Edmund: Haven’t we all, haven’t we all…
Graveney: I murdered my father…
Edmund: Well, I know how you feel.
Graveney: …and I have committed adultery…
Edmund: Well, who hasn’t?
Graveney: …more than a thousand times…
Edmund: Well, it is 1487!
Graveney: …with my mother.
Edmund: WHAT?
King: Good Lord…
Graveney: You see, I *will* go to Hell.

King: Chiswick, remind me to send flowers to the king of France in sympathy for the death of his son.
Chiswick: The one you had murdered, my lord?
King: [absentmindedly] Yes, yes, that’s the fellow.

King: Chiswick, take this to the Queen of Naples. [holds up an urn]
Chiswick: What is it, my lord?
King: The King of Naples!

Percy: Look, look, I just can’t take the pressure of all these omens any more!
Edmund: Percy…
Percy: No, no, really, I’m serious! Only this morning in the courtyard I saw a horse with two heads and two bodies!
Edmund: Two horses standing next to each other?
Percy: Yes, I suppose it could have been.

Edmund: He murdered his whole family!
Pete: Who didn’t? I certainly killed mine.
Wilfred: And I killed mine.
Friar: And I killed yours.
Sean: Did you?
Friar: Yes.
Sean: Good on you, Father.

If you are fan of the series, check out other DVDs starred by Funnyman Rowan Atkinson.

Source: Blackadder DVD, wikiquote

Image source: Blackadder  TV show

Bit of Fry and Laurie Quotes from TV Series

A Bit Of Fry And Laurie was a sketch comedy starring Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie, broadcast on BBC2 between January 13, 1989 and April 2, 1995. Before Hugh Laurie became a big name in USA with his hit TV series House MD, he was already famous in Bertie and Wooster, Black Adder and Bit of Fry and Laurie TV series!

If you have not seen these funny comedy routine between brilliant Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie, do check it out, you will get to see younger and funny side of Hugh Laurie and Fry.

Funny quotes from the “Bit of Fry and Laurie”:

Stephen Fry: Well next week I shall be examining the claims of a man who says that in a previous existence he was Education Secretary Kenneth Baker and I shall be talking to a woman who claims she can make flowers grow just by planting seeds in soil and watering them. Until then, wait very quietly in your seats please. Goodnight.

Hugh Laurie: : So let’s talk instead about flexibility of language – um, linguistic elasticity, if you’d like.

Hugh Laurie: Can I just interrupt you here?

Stephen Fry: Certainly, Peter.

Hugh Laurie: Thanks.

Stephen Fry: Pleasure.

Stephen Fry: [voiceover] Good old Berent’s cocoa. Always there. Original or New Berent’s, specially prepared for the mature citizens in your life, with nature’s added store of powerful barbiturates and heroin

.Stephen Fry: Estate Agents you can’t live with them, you can’t live with them. If you try and kill them, you’re put in prison: if you try and talk to them, you vomit. There’s only one thing worse than an estate agent but at least that can be safely lanced, drained and surgically dressed. Estate agents. Love them or loathe them, you’d be mad not to loathe them.

Stephen Fry: It’s ludicrously easy to knock Mrs. Thatcher, isn’t it? It’s the simplest, easiest and most obvious thing in the world to remark that she’s a shameful, putrid scab, an embarrassing, ludicrous monstrosity that makes one frankly ashamed to be British and that her ideas and standards are a stain on our national history. That’s easy! Anyone can see that! Nothing difficult about that! But after tonight, no one will ever accuse us again with failing to come up with something to take her place. Hugh?[Hugh Laurie pulls out a coat hanger]

frylaurie

Stephen: Twenty-five years ago the doctors told your mother and me that it would be impossible for us ever to have children.

Hugh: Oh, why not?

Stephen: I can’t remember the exact reason; it was something to do with penises I think.

Hugh Laurie: [with an electronic organizer] Ask me anything, a telephone number, what time it is in Adelaide. Tell you what, I can tell you exactly what I’ll be doing on the third of August 1997, say. Hang on… [presses a few buttons]. Nothing. See, it says. Nothing.

Hugh Laurie: Our Venice is being taken away from us. It’s crawling with Germans.

Leslie: And Italians.

Hugh Laurie: A good wife, or a good business partner?

Stephen Fry: Is there a difference, Peter?

Hugh Laurie: I hope so, John.

Stephen Fry:: Yes, I think that I’ve said earlier that our language, English –

L: As spoken by us.

F: As we speak it, yes, certainly, defines us. We are defined by our language, if you will

L: [to screen] Hello. We’re talking about language.

F: Perhaps I can illustrate my point. Let me at least try. Here is a question: um…

L: What is it?<

F: Oh! Um… my question is this: is our language – English – capable… is English capable of sustaining demagoguery?

L: Demagoguery?

F: Demagoguery.

L: And by “demagoguery” you mean…

F: By “demagoguery” I mean demagoguery…

L: I thought so.

F: I mean highly-charged oratory, persuasive whipping-up rhetoric. Listen to me, listen to me. If Hitler had been British, would we, under similar circumstances, have been moved, charged up, fired up by his inflammatory speeches, or would we simply have laughed? Is English too ironic to sustain Hitlerian styles? Would his language simply have rung false in our ears?

L: [to screen] We’re talking about things ringing false in our ears.

F: May I compartmentalize – I hate to, but may I, may I: is our language a function of our British cynicism, tolerance, resistance to false emotion, humour, and so on, or do those qualities come extrinsically – extrinsically – from the language itself? It’s a chicken and egg problem.

L: [to screen] We’re talking about chickens, we’re talking about eggs.

F: Um… let me start a leveret here: there’s language and there’s speech. Um, there’s chess and there’s a game of chess. Mark the difference for me. Mark it please.

L: [to screen] We’ve moved on to chess.

F: Imagine a piano keyboard, eh, 88 keys, only 88 and yet, and yet, hundreds of new melodies, new tunes, new harmonies are being composed upon hundreds of different keyboards every day in Dorset alone. Our language, tiger, our language: hundreds of thousands of available words, frillions of legitimate new ideas, so that I can say the following sentence and be utterly sure that nobody has ever said it before in the history of human communication: “Hold the newsreader’s nose squarely, waiter, or friendly milk will countermand my trousers.” Perfectly ordinary words, but never before put in that precise order. A unique child delivered of a unique mother.

L: [to screen]

F: And yet, oh, and yet, we, all of us, spend all our days saying to each other the same things time after weary time: “I love you,” “Don’t go in there,” “Get out,” “You have no right to say that,” “Stop it,” “Why should I,” “That hurt,” “Help,” “Marjorie is dead.” Hmm? Surely, it’s a thought to take out for cream tea on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

L: So, to you, language is more than just a means of communication?

F: Oh, of course it is, of course it is, of course it is, of course it is. Language is my mother, my father, my husband, my brother, my sister, my whore, my mistress, my check-out girl… language is a complimentary moist lemon-scented cleansing square or handy freshen-up wipette. Language is the breath of God. Language is the dew on a fresh apple, it’s the soft rain of dust that falls into a shaft of morning light as you pluck from a old bookshelf a half-forgotten book of erotic memoirs. Language is the creak on a stair, it’s a spluttering match held to a frosted pane, it’s a half-remembered childhood birthday party, it’s the warm, wet, trusting touch of a leaking nappy, the hulk of a charred Panzer, the underside of a granite boulder, the first downy growth on the upper lip of a Mediterranean girl. It’s cobwebs long since overrun by an old Wellington boot

.L: [to screen] Night-night.

Hugh: Well we had our first child on the NHS and had to wait nine months, can you believe it.

Stephen Fry: How may we serve?

Hugh Laurie: Well, I was after a pair of shoes.

Stephen Fry: Very well. I shall serve them first.

You can see all Bit of Fry and Laurie on Prime  here.

A Bit of Fry and Laurie: The Complete Collection… Every Bit!

Hugh Laurie: You ever been trapped in a loveless marriage with a woman you despise?

Stephen Fry: Ooh, not since I was nine! Do you like it straight up?

Laurie: What?

Fry: [holding up his drink] Or with ice?

Laurie: Ice.

Fry: Right-ho. [adds ice] Cocktail onion?

Laurie: No thanks.

Hugh Laurie: She takes no interest in my friends, you know. She laughs at my…

Stephen Fry: Peanuts?

Hugh Laurie: Hobbies. She doesn’t even value my…

Stephen Fry: Crinkle-cut cheesy Wotsit?

Hugh Laurie: Career. You know, it’s just so depressing. Alright, so other men have got larger…

Stephen Fry: Plums?

Hugh Laurie: Salaries. And better prospects. And other men can boast a healthier-looking…

Stephen Fry: Stool?

Hugh Laurie: [sitting on stool] Lifestyle.

Hugh Laurie: The trouble with that woman is that she’s just a…

Stephen Fry: Rather disgusting-looking tart that should’ve been disposed of ages ago?

Hugh Laurie: I tell you what it is: she’s a complainer, that’s what she is.

Hugh Laurie: Alright, so, so I haven’t got loads of cash hanging around. You know, but why complain? Other people are worse off. I’ve got a job. I’ve got two sweet, rosy…

Stephen Fry: Nibbles?

Hugh Laurie: Children. She goes on and on about my appearance. I mean, it’s not as if she’s an oil painting, you know. I mean, frankly she’s…

Stephen Fry: [points] Plain and prawn-flavoured.

Hugh Laurie: She’s not as young as she used to be herself

Hugh Laurie: I’ve always been a Daily Mail reader. I prefer it to a newspaper.

Source: IMDB, Wikiquote

Image source: Bit of Fry and Laurie DVD

Funny Groucho Marx Quotes

I love Marx Brothers and their funny movies! Don’t you? No one can beat fast talking and wise cracking Groucho Marx sayings. I am not sure why he is known as Groucho, as he is nothing but. There many funny Marx Brothers books and movies that keep you laughing for hours and classic comedy series that is great for people who want to laugh: see here for Marx Brothers Comedy.

Enjoy some of the famous Groucho Marx Quotes for you here.

GROUCHO MARX

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

I don’t have a photograph. I’d give you my footprints, but they’re upstairs in my socks.

A man is as young as the woman he feels.

got $25 from Reader’s Digest last week for something I never said. I get credit all the time for things I never said. You know that line in You Bet Your Life? The guy says he has seventeen kids and I say: “I smoke a cigar, but I take it out of my mouth occasionally”? I never said that.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

As soon as I get through with you, you’ll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn’t time to dig trenches.
We’ll have to buy them ready made.

marx see here for Marx Brothers Comedy.

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don’t anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you’re always trying for a topper you aren’t really listening. It ruins communication.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

A likely story — and probably true.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter.
Someday I intend reading it.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Here’s to our wives and girlfriends … may they never meet!

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.”

How do you feel about women’s rights? I like either side of them.

“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.”

I sent the club a wire stating, ‘Please accept my resignation’.
I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.

I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.

I know, I know – you’re a woman who’s had a lot of tough breaks.
Well, we can clean and tighten those brakes, but you’ll have to stay in the garage all night.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Funny Marx Brothers; Laugh Today & Feel Good Today:

[Mrs. Teasdale]: He’s had a change of heart.
[Groucho]: A lot of good that’ll do him. He’s still got the same face.

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I’ve been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.

Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Now there’s a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here!

Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put ‘Emily, I love you’ on the back of the bill.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing .. if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says ‘yes,’ you know he is a crook.

Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren’t developed. . . But we’re going back next week.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Time wounds all heels.

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I’ll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

Image source: Marx Brothers

Famous, Fun and Funny Quotes and Sayings

Life without humor is, food without salt. Many of our daily life can be hectic, chaotic and downright serious. We could all use some refreshing, motivational funny sayings to bring little laughter in to our lives. Please check out some funny and famous quotes and sayings that will uplift your mood.

My psychiatrist told me I’m going crazy.
I told him, ‘If you don’t mind I’d like a second opinion.’
He said, ‘Alright…. you’re ugly too!’
Rodney Dangerfield

If you believe everything you read, better not read.
Japanese proverb

We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.
Colonel Gerald Wellman

I have a mind like a steel trap. Stuff gets in there and WHAM! it never gets back out again.
Bill Austin

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

Opinions are like feet. Everybody’s got a couple, and they usually stink.
Jim Slattery

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order.
Brian Pickrell

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, “No hablo ingles.”-Unknown

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Redd Foxx

Everyone has photographic memory; some just don’t have the film.-Unknown

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car.-Unknown

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Frank Zappa

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
George Carlen

Noise proves nothing – often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid. -Mark Twain

“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.” – Douglas Adams

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.-Unknown

Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting a falsehood, isn’t it?
Anonymous

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. -Unknown

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

One of the lessons of history is that Nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.
Will Durant

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.-Unknown

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher…and that is a good thing for any man.
Socrates

People used to explore the dimensions of reality by taking LSD to make the world look weird.
Now the world is weird and they take Prozac to make it look normal.
Bangstrom

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?-Unknown
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown
Isn’t it strange? The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously.
Cincinnati Enquirer
“Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.” – Joey Adams
How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before He Admits Hes lost? -Unknown
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain – and most fools do.
Dale Carnegie
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Carl Gustav Jung
Guys: No Shirt, No Service – Gals: No Shirt, No Charge-Unknown
If you don’t want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won’t have to work.
Ogden Nash
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn’t take it out of my garden.
Eric Morecambe
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. – Mark Twain
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.
Gordon R. Dickson

Funny Rules and Relationship: Fun saying about Love

There are of course rules for love and relationship between men and women. Did you know? I sure had not and I am glad, otherwise I might have been worried to get in to relationship itself. 🙂 Here is humorous rules for men and women for you to smile with as you read it with your love.

General Female Rules

These Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

No MALE can possibly know all The Rules.

If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows The Rules, she must immediately change The Rules.

The FEMALE is never wrong.

If the FEMALE is mistaken, it is a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong.

The MALE must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.

The FEMALE may change her mind at any time.

The MALE must never change his mind without the written consent of the FEMALE

The FEMALE has the right to be upset or angry at any time.

The MALE must remain calm at all times, unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry and/or upset.

If the FEMALE has PMS, all The Rules are null and void.

The MALE is expected to mind read constantly and act accordingly.

Any attempt to document The Rules could result in actual bodily harm.

The MALE who doesn’t abide by The Rules can’t take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a whimp.

General Male Rules

1. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

2. If you don’t want to dress like Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

3. If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

4. It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

5. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

6. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.

7. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.

8. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

9. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.

10. Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

11. When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying, “This is our exit?” is not necessary.

12. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.

Funny Saying and Quotes about Women and Relationship

Women are one of smarter and emotional creature in relationship. I know because I am one. There are lot of fun and funny sayings, quotes and poems about relationship between men and women is been said and written. They are meant for light hearted fun reading. Enjoy and smile.

Woman’s dictionary; essential knowledge for men!

Lesson 1 – The Basics

Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
Five minutes: If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means “something,” and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with ”Nothing” usually end in “Fine”
Go ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it.
Loud sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing.”
That’s OK: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you’re welcome.
Whatever: It’s a woman’s way of saying: “*!#@ YOU”

Lesson 2 – The Tricky Ones

Pay close attention: there will be a quiz later.
We need to talk: I need to complain
You’re … so manly: You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You’re certainly attentive tonight: Is sex all you ever think about?
I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting!: I’m on my period.
I heard a noise: I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me?: I’m going to ask for something expensive. Can occasionally mean the same as ‘How much do you love me?’
How much do you love me?: I wrecked the car on the parking lot.
I’ll be ready in a minute.: Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Do you like this recipe?: It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it.
Was that the baby?: Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I’m not yelling!:Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

Lesson 3 – Philosophy

I need wedding shoes: the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
Be romantic, turn out the lights: I have flabby thighs.
Are you listening to me!?: Too late, you’re dead.
You have to learn to communicate.: Just agree with me.
This kitchen is so inconvenient: I want a new house.
I want new curtains: and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper….., and what about a new house?
Is my butt fat?: Tell me I’m beautiful.

Lesson 4 – Advanced classes

Yes: No
No: No
Maybe: No
I’m sorry.: You’ll be sorry.
You want: You want
We need: I want
It’s your decision: The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want: You’ll pay for this later.
Sure… go ahead: I don’t want you to.
I’m not upset: Of course I’m upset, you moron!
Hang the picture there: NO, I mean hang it there!
All we’re going to buy is a soap dish: It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

Extra class – The answer to “What’s wrong?”

The same old thing: Nothing
Nothing: Everything
Everything: My PMS is acting up
Nothing, really: It’s just that you’re such an asshole
I don’t want to talk about it: Go away, I’m still building up steam

What does a woman want?

Women prefer the simple things in life…like men.
Boys will be boys but one day all girls will be women.
I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him.
What’s the difference between men and pigs?…Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.
The average man is proof enough that women can take a joke.
Boys will be boys, but men are better at it.
What do you call a man who has lost 98% of his brain?…A widower.
They put one man on the moon. Why can’t they put them all there?
What’s an orgasm, Mom? I don’t know…ask your father.
If you catch a man…throw him back.
Men call us birds, is that because of all the worms we pick up?

Men and Women Relationship: Funny Poems and Sayings


Relationship between men and women is romantic and yet often funny and hilarious. Here are some poems and funny sayings about men and women’s relationship and love. Enjoy.

The Moods of a Woman

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She’s afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She’ll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She’ll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She’ll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she’ll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She’ll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

The Moods of a Man

Hungry
Horny
Sleepy

 

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!!

ALL ARE WELCOME – OPEN TO MEN ONLY
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE: DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other – Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming – Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS: DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT: LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Instructions how to have a happy marriage.

______________________________________________________________________

Women’s Training Courses

Long awaited training courses are now finally available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears – The Last Resort, not the First.

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don’t Like To

21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

_____________________________________________________________________________

Husband shopping

A store that sells husbands has just opened, where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor, you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband…
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
“Wow,” so she goes to the fourth floor, and sign reads: Floor 4 – These men have jobs, loves kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. “Oh, mercy me!”
So she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted she runs to the sixth floor and sign reads: Floor 6 – You are visitor 3,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart’s Husband Store.

Image source: Men, Women and Relationships