Celebrity Quotes | Motivational Quotes

Blackadder Television Series Quotes: Part 2

Blackadder is British cult classic Television Series starring Rowan Atkinson. Although each series is set in a different era, all follow the fortunes (or rather, misfortunes) of Edmund Blackadder (played by Atkinson), who in each is a member of a British family dynasty present at many significant periods and places in British history. It is implied in each series that the Blackadder character is a descendant of the previous one, although it is never mentioned how any of the Blackadders manage to father children.

This funny series has many fans around the world, myself included. Here are some funny quotes from the Black adder. This is second part of the series, for first part of quotes: Click Funny Blackadder Quotes: Part 1.

Funny Quotes from Blackadder: Part 2

Percy: I’d like to meet the Spaniard who can make his way past me!
Blackadder: Well, go to Spain. There are millions of them.

Blackadder: Tell me, young crone, is this Putney?
Young Crone: [cackling] That it be! That it be!
Blackadder: “Yes, it is,” not “That it be”. And you don’t have to talk in that stupid voice to me, I’m not a tourist! I seek information about a Wise Woman.
Young Crone: The Wise Woman? The Wise Woman?!
Blackadder: Yes. The Wise Woman.
Young Crone: Two things, my Lord, must ye know of the Wise Woman. First… she is a woman! And second… she is…
Blackadder: Wise?
Young Crone: [normal] You do know her, then?
Blackadder: No, just a wild stab in the dark – which, incidentally, is what you’ll be getting if you don’t start being a bit more helpful! Do you know where she lives?
Young Crone: ‘Course.
Blackadder: Where?
Young Crone: ‘Ere. Do you have an appointment?
Blackadder: No.
Young Crone: Oh… you can go in anyway.
Blackadder: Thank you, young crone. Here is a purse of monies… [she tries to grab it] which I’m NOT going to give to you. [walks in]

Wise Woman: Hail Edmund, Lord of Adders Black!
Blackadder: Hello.
Wise Woman: Step no further, for already I see thy bloody purpose. Thou plotest, Blackadder! Thou would be king, and drown Middlesex in a butt of wine! [cackles madly]
Blackadder: No, it’s much worse than that. I’m in love with my manservant!
Wise Woman: [nonchalant] Well, I’d sleep with him if I were you.
Blackadder: What!?
Wise Woman: When I fancy people, I sleep with them. I have to drug them first, being so old and warty.
Blackadder: But what of my position, my livelihood!?
Wise Woman: Very well, then there are three solutions, three cures for thy ailment. The first is simple: Kill Bob!
Blackadder: Never!
Wise Woman: Then try the second: kill yourself!
Blackadder: And the third?
Wise Woman: The third is to ensure that no one else ever knows.
Blackadder: Ah, that sounds more like it! How?
Wise Woman: KILL EVERYBODY IN THE WHOLE WORLD! [cackles madly]
Blackadder: [disturbed and confounded] Uh-huh.

Lord Flashheart: Thanks, bridesmaid, like the beard. Gives me something to hang onto!

Blackadder: To you, Baldrick, the Renaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn’t it?

Percy: May I come too, my lord?
Blackadder: No, best not. People might think we’re friends. Better stay here; bird-neck [Percy’s new look] and bird-brain [Baldrick] should get along like a house on fire!

If you have not seen the series, you can check out details here;

Black Adder: The Complete Collector’s Set
Black Adder Remastered V: The Specials
The Black Adder
Black Adder II

[Queenie wishes to see Lord Farrow, who has supposedly been executed]
Blackadder: Percy, this is a very difficult situation.
Percy: Yes, my lord.
Blackadder: Someone’s for the chop. You or me, in fact.
Percy: Ah, yes…
Blackadder: Let’s face facts, Perc: it’s you!
Percy: [nervously] Except, ex-cept… I may have a plan!
Blackadder: [dryly] Oh, yes…
Percy: Yes, eh… How about if we get Lord Farrow’s head and body and we take it to the Queen. Except, ex-cept… just before we get in, we start shouting and screaming, and then we come in saying “We were just on our way when he said something traitorous, and so we cut his head off in the corridor just to teach him a lesson!”
Blackadder: Pathetic! Absolutely pathetic! Contemptible! Worth a try!

Blackadder: To you, it’s a potato. To me, it’s a potato. But to Sir Walter bloody Raleigh, it’s fine estates, luxury carriages and as many girls as his tongue can handle! He’s making a fortune out of the things: people are smoking them, building houses out of them… they’ll be eating them next!

[After Queenie’s poor pirate imitation]
Melchett: [obviously humouring her] I beg your pardon, Your Majesty, but I was hoping to greet the gallant young sailor who hallooed me as I came in. Perchance he has hauled anchor and sailed away?
Queenie: [giggling] No! It was me!
Melchett: Majesty! Surely not!
Blackadder: [to Melchett] You utter creep.

Captain Rum: Truth is, I don’t know the way to the Cape of Good Hope anyway.
Blackadder: Good Lord! What were you going to do?!
Captain Rum: What I usually do: sail round and round the Isle of Wight until everyone’s dizzy and then head for home!
Blackadder: [smiles] You old rascal. Still, who cares? The day after tomorrow, we shall be in Calais. Captain, set sail for France!
[Everyone cheers. Cut to “The Day After The Day After Tomorrow”, when everyone looks less excited.]
Blackadder: … So, you don’t know the way to France either?
Captain Rum: No. I must confess that too.
Blackadder: [turns to Percy and Baldrick] Bugger.

Be sure to check out The Black Adder series, if you have not already done so yet.

If you are fan of the series, check out other DVDs starred by Funnyman Rowan Atkinson.

Source: Blackadder DVD, wikiquote

Image source: Wikipedia

Blackadder Quotes Part 1: British TV Series

Black adder is british Cult Classic Television Series. Blackadder is the name that encompassed four series of a BBC1 historical sitcom, along with several one-off installments. All television program episodes starred Rowan Atkinson as anti-hero Edmund Blackadder and Tony Robinson as Blackadder’s dogsbody, Baldrick. Each series was set in a different historical period with the two protagonists accompanied by different characters. This is part 1 of the series, check out Blackadder Quotes Part 2.

Black Adder TV Series Quotes

Opening narration: History has known many great liars. Copernicus. Goebbels. St. Ralph the Liar. [he is shown holding a sign which reads “St. Benedict the Liar”] But there have been none quite so vile as the Tudor King Henry VII. It was he who rewrote history to portray his predecessor, Richard III, as a deformed maniac who killed his nephews in the Tower. But the real truth is that Richard was a kind and thoughtful man who cherished his young wards, in particular Richard, Duke of York, who grew into a big, strong boy. Henry also claimed he won the Battle of Bosworth Field and killed Richard III. Again, the truth is very different; for it was Richard, Duke of York, who became king after Bosworth Field, and reigned for thirteen glorious years. As for who really killed Richard III and how the defeated Henry Tudor escaped with his life, all is revealed in this, the first chapter of a history never before told: the history of… the Black Adder!

Edmund: I like the cut of your jib, young fella me lad. What’s your name?
Baldrick: My name is Baldrick, my lord.
Edmund: Then I shall call you Baldrick, Baldrick.
Baldrick: And I shall call you “my lord,” my lord.

Percy: It will be a great day tomorrow for we nobles.
Prince Edmund: Well, not if we lose, Percy. If we lose, I’ll be chopped to pieces. My arms will end up at Essex, my torso in Norfolk, and my genitalia stuck up in a tree somewhere in Rutland.

Edmund: Don’t be absurd. Such activities are totally beyond my mother. My father only got anywhere with her because he told her it was a cure for diarrhoea.

Prince Harry: McAngus, this is the man who’ll be providing tomorrow’s entertainments! [gestures to Edmund]
Dougal McAngus: Ah, the eunuch! Delighted to meet you; there’s a groat for the troubles!
Edmund: [in a high pitched voice] I am not a eunuch!
Dougal McAngus: You sound like one to me!
Edmund: [normal voice] I am not a eunuch, I am the Duke of Edinburgh!
Dougal McAngus: [sarcastically] Oh you are, are you!? [turns to Queen Gertrude] Same old story, eh!? Duke of Edinburgh’s about as Scottish as the Queen of England’s tits! [realises] Och, nae offence, your Majesty.

If you have not seen the series, you can check out details here;

Black Adder: The Complete Collector’s Set
Black Adder Remastered V: The Specials
The Black Adder
Black Adder II

Harry: Yes, that’s right. A tragic accident.
Edmund: Almost as tragic as Archbishop Bertram being struck by a falling gargoyle whilst swimming off Beachy Head.
Harry: Yes, or Archbishop Wilfred slipping and falling backwards onto the spire of Norwich Cathedral. Oh, Lord, you do work in mysterious ways.

King Richard IV: [to Edmund] You, as compared to your beloved brother Harry, are as excrement compared to cream!
Harry: Oh, father, you flatter me!
Edmund: And me, also!

Graveney: And if I don’t leave my lands to the church, then what?
William: Then, Lord Graveney, you will assuredly go to Hell.
Graveney: Alas!
William: Hell, where the air is pungent with the aroma of roasted behinds!
Graveney: No, no! (coughs) I place my lands in the hands of the Church (signs) and so bid the world farewell.

Edmund: Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
Graveney: Am I in Paradise?
Edmund: No, no, not yet.
Graveney: Then this must be Hell. Alas, spare my posterior!
Edmund: No, no, you’re all right — it’s England.
Graveney: And you are not Satan?
Edmund: No, I’m the Archbishop of Canterbury.
Graveney: Your Grace, I have left all my lands to the Church. Am I to be saved?

Edmund: Someone like you go to Hell? Never. Never!!
Graveney: But I have committed many sins.
Edmund: Haven’t we all, haven’t we all…
Graveney: I murdered my father…
Edmund: Well, I know how you feel.
Graveney: …and I have committed adultery…
Edmund: Well, who hasn’t?
Graveney: …more than a thousand times…
Edmund: Well, it is 1487!
Graveney: …with my mother.
Edmund: WHAT?
King: Good Lord…
Graveney: You see, I *will* go to Hell.

King: Chiswick, remind me to send flowers to the king of France in sympathy for the death of his son.
Chiswick: The one you had murdered, my lord?
King: [absentmindedly] Yes, yes, that’s the fellow.

King: Chiswick, take this to the Queen of Naples. [holds up an urn]
Chiswick: What is it, my lord?
King: The King of Naples!

Percy: Look, look, I just can’t take the pressure of all these omens any more!
Edmund: Percy…
Percy: No, no, really, I’m serious! Only this morning in the courtyard I saw a horse with two heads and two bodies!
Edmund: Two horses standing next to each other?
Percy: Yes, I suppose it could have been.

Edmund: He murdered his whole family!
Pete: Who didn’t? I certainly killed mine.
Wilfred: And I killed mine.
Friar: And I killed yours.
Sean: Did you?
Friar: Yes.
Sean: Good on you, Father.

If you are fan of the series, check out other DVDs starred by Funnyman Rowan Atkinson.

Source: Blackadder DVD, wikiquote

Image source: Blackadder TV show

Bit of Fry and Laurie Quotes from TV Series

A Bit Of Fry And Laurie was a sketch comedy starring Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie, broadcast on BBC2 between January 13, 1989 and April 2, 1995. Before Hugh Laurie became a big name in USA with his hit TV series House MD, he was already famous in Bertie and Wooster, Black Adder and Bit of Fry and Laurie TV series!

If you have not seen these funny comedy routine between brilliant Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie, do check it out, you will get to see younger and funny side of Hugh Laurie and Fry.

Funny quotes from the “Bit of Fry and Laurie”:

Stephen Fry: Well next week I shall be examining the claims of a man who says that in a previous existence he was Education Secretary Kenneth Baker and I shall be talking to a woman who claims she can make flowers grow just by planting seeds in soil and watering them. Until then, wait very quietly in your seats please. Goodnight.

Hugh Laurie: : So let’s talk instead about flexibility of language – um, linguistic elasticity, if you’d like.

Hugh Laurie: Can I just interrupt you here?

Stephen Fry: Certainly, Peter.

Hugh Laurie: Thanks.

Stephen Fry: Pleasure.

Stephen Fry: [voiceover] Good old Berent’s cocoa. Always there. Original or New Berent’s, specially prepared for the mature citizens in your life, with nature’s added store of powerful barbiturates and heroin

.Stephen Fry: Estate Agents you can’t live with them, you can’t live with them. If you try and kill them, you’re put in prison: if you try and talk to them, you vomit. There’s only one thing worse than an estate agent but at least that can be safely lanced, drained and surgically dressed. Estate agents. Love them or loathe them, you’d be mad not to loathe them.

Stephen Fry: It’s ludicrously easy to knock Mrs. Thatcher, isn’t it? It’s the simplest, easiest and most obvious thing in the world to remark that she’s a shameful, putrid scab, an embarrassing, ludicrous monstrosity that makes one frankly ashamed to be British and that her ideas and standards are a stain on our national history. That’s easy! Anyone can see that! Nothing difficult about that! But after tonight, no one will ever accuse us again with failing to come up with something to take her place. Hugh?[Hugh Laurie pulls out a coat hanger]

Stephen: Twenty-five years ago the doctors told your mother and me that it would be impossible for us ever to have children.

Hugh: Oh, why not?

Stephen: I can’t remember the exact reason; it was something to do with penises I think.

Hugh Laurie: [with an electronic organizer] Ask me anything, a telephone number, what time it is in Adelaide. Tell you what, I can tell you exactly what I’ll be doing on the third of August 1997, say. Hang on… [presses a few buttons]. Nothing. See, it says. Nothing.

Hugh Laurie: Our Venice is being taken away from us. It’s crawling with Germans.

Leslie: And Italians.

Hugh Laurie: A good wife, or a good business partner?

Stephen Fry: Is there a difference, Peter?

Hugh Laurie: I hope so, John.

Stephen Fry:: Yes, I think that I’ve said earlier that our language, English –

L: As spoken by us.

F: As we speak it, yes, certainly, defines us. We are defined by our language, if you will

L: [to screen] Hello. We’re talking about language.

F: Perhaps I can illustrate my point. Let me at least try. Here is a question: um…

L: What is it?<

F: Oh! Um… my question is this: is our language – English – capable… is English capable of sustaining demagoguery?

L: Demagoguery?

F: Demagoguery.

L: And by “demagoguery” you mean…

F: By “demagoguery” I mean demagoguery…

L: I thought so.

F: I mean highly-charged oratory, persuasive whipping-up rhetoric. Listen to me, listen to me. If Hitler had been British, would we, under similar circumstances, have been moved, charged up, fired up by his inflammatory speeches, or would we simply have laughed? Is English too ironic to sustain Hitlerian styles? Would his language simply have rung false in our ears?

L: [to screen] We’re talking about things ringing false in our ears.

F: May I compartmentalize – I hate to, but may I, may I: is our language a function of our British cynicism, tolerance, resistance to false emotion, humour, and so on, or do those qualities come extrinsically – extrinsically – from the language itself? It’s a chicken and egg problem.

L: [to screen] We’re talking about chickens, we’re talking about eggs.

F: Um… let me start a leveret here: there’s language and there’s speech. Um, there’s chess and there’s a game of chess. Mark the difference for me. Mark it please.

L: [to screen] We’ve moved on to chess.

F: Imagine a piano keyboard, eh, 88 keys, only 88 and yet, and yet, hundreds of new melodies, new tunes, new harmonies are being composed upon hundreds of different keyboards every day in Dorset alone. Our language, tiger, our language: hundreds of thousands of available words, frillions of legitimate new ideas, so that I can say the following sentence and be utterly sure that nobody has ever said it before in the history of human communication: “Hold the newsreader’s nose squarely, waiter, or friendly milk will countermand my trousers.” Perfectly ordinary words, but never before put in that precise order. A unique child delivered of a unique mother.

L: [to screen] …

F: And yet, oh, and yet, we, all of us, spend all our days saying to each other the same things time after weary time: “I love you,” “Don’t go in there,” “Get out,” “You have no right to say that,” “Stop it,” “Why should I,” “That hurt,” “Help,” “Marjorie is dead.” Hmm? Surely, it’s a thought to take out for cream tea on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

L: So, to you, language is more than just a means of communication?

F: Oh, of course it is, of course it is, of course it is, of course it is. Language is my mother, my father, my husband, my brother, my sister, my whore, my mistress, my check-out girl… language is a complimentary moist lemon-scented cleansing square or handy freshen-up wipette. Language is the breath of God. Language is the dew on a fresh apple, it’s the soft rain of dust that falls into a shaft of morning light as you pluck from a old bookshelf a half-forgotten book of erotic memoirs. Language is the creak on a stair, it’s a spluttering match held to a frosted pane, it’s a half-remembered childhood birthday party, it’s the warm, wet, trusting touch of a leaking nappy, the hulk of a charred Panzer, the underside of a granite boulder, the first downy growth on the upper lip of a Mediterranean girl. It’s cobwebs long since overrun by an old Wellington boot

.L: [to screen] Night-night.

Hugh: Well we had our first child on the NHS and had to wait nine months, can you believe it.

Stephen Fry: How may we serve?

Hugh Laurie: Well, I was after a pair of shoes.

Stephen Fry: Very well. I shall serve them first.

You can see all Bit of Fry and Laurie on Prime here.

A Bit of Fry and Laurie: The Complete Collection… Every Bit!

Hugh Laurie: You ever been trapped in a loveless marriage with a woman you despise?

Stephen Fry: Ooh, not since I was nine! Do you like it straight up?

Laurie: What?

Fry: [holding up his drink] Or with ice?

Laurie: Ice.

Fry: Right-ho. [adds ice] Cocktail onion?

Laurie: No thanks.

Hugh Laurie: She takes no interest in my friends, you know. She laughs at my…

Stephen Fry: Peanuts?

Hugh Laurie: Hobbies. She doesn’t even value my…

Stephen Fry: Crinkle-cut cheesy Wotsit?

Hugh Laurie: Career. You know, it’s just so depressing. Alright, so other men have got larger…

Stephen Fry: Plums?

Hugh Laurie: Salaries. And better prospects. And other men can boast a healthier-looking…

Stephen Fry: Stool?

Hugh Laurie: [sitting on stool] Lifestyle.

Hugh Laurie: The trouble with that woman is that she’s just a…

Stephen Fry: Rather disgusting-looking tart that should’ve been disposed of ages ago?

Hugh Laurie: I tell you what it is: she’s a complainer, that’s what she is.

Hugh Laurie: Alright, so, so I haven’t got loads of cash hanging around. You know, but why complain? Other people are worse off. I’ve got a job. I’ve got two sweet, rosy…

Stephen Fry: Nibbles?

Hugh Laurie: Children. She goes on and on about my appearance. I mean, it’s not as if she’s an oil painting, you know. I mean, frankly she’s…

Stephen Fry: [points] Plain and prawn-flavoured.

Hugh Laurie: She’s not as young as she used to be herself

Hugh Laurie: I’ve always been a Daily Mail reader. I prefer it to a newspaper.

Source: IMDB, Wikiquote

Image source: Bit of Fry and Laurie DVD

Jane Austen Quotes From Persuasion

Persuasion is Jane Austen’s last completed novel before her death. By the time Jane wrote this, she was older, mature and wiser, and you can see that reflected in her novel, persuasion as the heroine Anne Elliot is 27, old maid who had rejected her true love when she was barely 19, guided by godmother as Wentworth was orphan and poor. Now almost 8.5 years later situation is reversed, Anne’s father is in poor condition and Wentworth has made money and become super rich. Can they have second chance at love? My favorite book to read and movie to watch.

If there is any thing disagreeable going on, men are always sure to get out of it.”
—–— Jane Austen, Persuasion

“I believe you [men] capable of everything great and good in your married lives. I believe you equal to every important exertion, and to every domestic forbearance, so long as – if I may be allowed the expression, so long as you have an object. I mean, while the woman you love lives, and lives for you. All the privilege I claim for my own sex (it is not a very enviable one, you need not covet it) is that of loving longest, when existence or when hope is gone.”
—–— Jane Austen, Persuasion

Elizabeth had succeeded at sixteen to all that was possible of her mother’s rights and consequence; and being very handsome, and very like himself, her influence had always been great, and they had gone on together most happily. His other two children were of very inferior value. Mary had acquired a little artificial importance by becoming Mrs Charles Musgrove; but Anne, with an elegance of mind and sweetness of character, which must have placed her high with any people of real understanding, was nobody with either father or sister; her word had no weight, her convenience was always to give way — she was only Anne.

Ch. 1

“What wild imaginations one forms, where dear self is concerned! How sure to be mistaken.”
—–— Jane Austen, Persuasion

“Yes; it is in two points offensive to me; I have two strong grounds of objection to it. First, as a means of bringing persons of obscure birth into undue distinction, and raising men to honours which their fathers and grandfathers never dreamt of; and secondly, as it cuts up a man’s youth and vigour most horribly; a sailor grows old sooner than any other man. I have observed it all my life. A man is in greater danger in the navy of being insulted by the rise of one whose father his father might have disdained to speak to, and of becoming prematurely an object of disgust himself, than in any other line.”

Ch. 3

“‘My idea of good company…is the company of clever, well-informed people, who have a great deal of conversation; that is what I call good company.’ ‘You are mistaken,’ said he gently, ‘that is not good company, that is the best.'”
—–— Jane Austen, Persuasion

She had been forced into prudence in her youth, she learned romance as she grew older: the natural sequence of an unnatural beginning.

Ch. 4

Read: Jane Austen’s Books

Jane Austen Movies

Persuasion Movie based on Jane Austen

Persuasion Book

“There is hardly any personal defect… which an agreeable manner might not gradually reconcile one to.”
—–— Jane Austen, Persuasion

She thought it was the misfortune of poetry to be seldom safely enjoyed by those who enjoyed it completely; and that the strong feelings which alone could estimate it truly were the very feelings which ought to taste it but sparingly.

Ch. 11

“One man’s ways may be as good as another’s, but we all like our own best.”
—–— Jane Austen, Persuasion

All the privilege I claim for my own sex (it is not a very enviable one: you need not covet it), is that of loving longest, when existence or when hope is gone!

Ch. 23
Said by Anne Elliott

“How quick come the reasons for approving what we like.”
—–— Jane Austen, Persuasion

You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it, eight and a half years ago. Dare not say that a man forgets sooner than woman, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved none but you. Unjust I may have been, weak and resentful I have been, but never inconstant.”

Ch. 23

“A man does not recover from such a devotion of the heart to such a woman! – He ought not – he does not.”
—–— Jane Austen, Persuasion

If I was wrong in yielding to persuasion once, remember that it was to persuasion exerted on the side of safety, not of risk. When I yielded, I thought it was to duty; but no duty could be called in aid here. In marrying a man indifferent to me, all risk would have been incurred, and all duty violated.”

Ch. 23
Said by Anne Elliott

“She felt that she could so much more depend upon the sincerity of those who sometimes looked or said a careless or hasty thing, than of those whose presence of mind never varied, whose tongue never slipped.”
—–— Jane Austen, Persuasion

“Here and there, human nature may be great in times of trial, but generally speaking it is its weakness and not its strength that appears in a sick chamber; it is selfishness and impatience rather than generosity and fortitude, that one hears of.”
—–— Jane Austen, Persuasion

Anne was tenderness itself, and she had the full worth of it in Captain Wentworth’s affection. His profession was all that could ever make her friends wish that tenderness less, the dread of a future war all that could dim her sunshine. She gloried in being a sailor’s wife, but she must pay the tax of quick alarm for belonging to that profession which is, if possible, more distinguished in its domestic virtues than in its national importance.

Ch. 24

Image source: wikipedia

Funny Groucho Marx Quotes

I love Marx Brothers and their funny movies! Don’t you? No one can beat fast talking and wise cracking Groucho Marx sayings. I am not sure why he is known as Groucho, as he is nothing but. There many funny Marx Brothers books and movies that keep you laughing for hours and classic comedy series that is great for people who want to laugh: see here for Marx Brothers Comedy.

Enjoy some of the famous Groucho Marx Quotes for you here.

GROUCHO MARX

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

I don’t have a photograph. I’d give you my footprints, but they’re upstairs in my socks.

A man is as young as the woman he feels.

got $25 from Reader’s Digest last week for something I never said. I get credit all the time for things I never said. You know that line in You Bet Your Life? The guy says he has seventeen kids and I say: “I smoke a cigar, but I take it out of my mouth occasionally”? I never said that.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

As soon as I get through with you, you’ll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn’t time to dig trenches.
We’ll have to buy them ready made.

see here for Marx Brothers Comedy.

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don’t anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you’re always trying for a topper you aren’t really listening. It ruins communication.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

A likely story — and probably true.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter.
Someday I intend reading it.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Here’s to our wives and girlfriends … may they never meet!

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.”

How do you feel about women’s rights? I like either side of them.

“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.”

I sent the club a wire stating, ‘Please accept my resignation’.
I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.

I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.

I know, I know – you’re a woman who’s had a lot of tough breaks.
Well, we can clean and tighten those brakes, but you’ll have to stay in the garage all night.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Funny Marx Brothers; Laugh Today & Feel Good Today:

[Mrs. Teasdale]: He’s had a change of heart.
[Groucho]: A lot of good that’ll do him. He’s still got the same face.

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I’ve been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.

Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Now there’s a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here!

Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put ‘Emily, I love you’ on the back of the bill.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing .. if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says ‘yes,’ you know he is a crook.

Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren’t developed. . . But we’re going back next week.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Time wounds all heels.

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I’ll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

Image source: Marx Brothers

Famous, Fun and Funny Quotes and Sayings

Life without humor is, food without salt. Many of our daily life can be hectic, chaotic and downright serious. We could all use some refreshing, motivational funny sayings to bring little laughter in to our lives. Please check out some funny and famous quotes and sayings that will uplift your mood.

My psychiatrist told me I’m going crazy.
I told him, ‘If you don’t mind I’d like a second opinion.’
He said, ‘Alright…. you’re ugly too!’
Rodney Dangerfield

If you believe everything you read, better not read.
Japanese proverb

We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.
Colonel Gerald Wellman

I have a mind like a steel trap. Stuff gets in there and WHAM! it never gets back out again.
Bill Austin

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

Opinions are like feet. Everybody’s got a couple, and they usually stink.
Jim Slattery

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order.
Brian Pickrell

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, “No hablo ingles.”-Unknown

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Redd Foxx

Everyone has photographic memory; some just don’t have the film.-Unknown

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car.-Unknown

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Frank Zappa

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
George Carlen

Noise proves nothing – often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid. -Mark Twain

“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.” – Douglas Adams

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.-Unknown

Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting a falsehood, isn’t it?
Anonymous

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. -Unknown

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

One of the lessons of history is that Nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.
Will Durant

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.-Unknown

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher…and that is a good thing for any man.
Socrates

People used to explore the dimensions of reality by taking LSD to make the world look weird.
Now the world is weird and they take Prozac to make it look normal.
Bangstrom

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?-Unknown

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown

Isn’t it strange? The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously.
Cincinnati Enquirer

“Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.” – Joey Adams

How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before He Admits Hes lost? -Unknown

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain – and most fools do.
Dale Carnegie

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Carl Gustav Jung

Guys: No Shirt, No Service – Gals: No Shirt, No Charge-Unknown

If you don’t want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won’t have to work.
Ogden Nash

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn’t take it out of my garden.
Eric Morecambe

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. – Mark Twain

Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.
Gordon R. Dickson

Men and Women Relationship: Funny Poems and Sayings

Relationship between men and women is romantic and yet often funny and hilarious. Here are some poems and funny sayings about men and women’s relationship and love. Enjoy.

The Moods of a Woman

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She’s afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She’ll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She’ll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She’ll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she’ll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She’ll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

The Moods of a Man

Hungry
Horny
Sleepy

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!!

ALL ARE WELCOME – OPEN TO MEN ONLY
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE: DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other – Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming – Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS: DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT: LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Instructions how to have a happy marriage.

______________________________________________________________________

Women’s Training Courses

Long awaited training courses are now finally available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears – The Last Resort, not the First.

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don’t Like To

21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

_____________________________________________________________________________

Husband shopping

A store that sells husbands has just opened, where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor, you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband…
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
“Wow,” so she goes to the fourth floor, and sign reads: Floor 4 – These men have jobs, loves kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. “Oh, mercy me!”
So she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted she runs to the sixth floor and sign reads: Floor 6 – You are visitor 3,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart’s Husband Store.

Image source: Men, Women and Relationships

Motivational Quotes From Dalai Lama

Motivational and inspirational quotes from wise man Dalai Lama, He simply amazes me with his wisdom and his teaching about peace and contentedness. Dalai Lama is one of wisest leader who inspires many of us to live better.

My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness.
~ Dalai Lama

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
~ Dalai Lama

We humans have existed in our present form for about a hundred thousand years. I believe that if during this time the human mind had been primarily controlled by anger and hatred, our overall population would have decreased. But today, despite all our wars, we find that the human population is greater than ever. This clearly indicates to me that love and compassion predominate in the world. And this is why unpleasant events are “news”; compassionate activities are so much a part of daily life that they are taken for granted and , therefore, largely ignored. – Dalai Lama

I myself feel, and also tell other Buddhists that the question of Nirvana will come later.
There is not much hurry. -Dalai Lama

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.- Dalai Lama

If in day to day life you lead a good life, honesty, with love, with compassion, with less selfishness, then automatically it will lead to Nirvana. – Dalai Lama

If the love within your mind is lost and you see other beings as enemies, then no matter how much knowledge or education or material comfort you have, only suffering and confusion will ensue. – Dalai Lama

True compassion is not just an emotional response but a firm commitment founded on reason. – Dalai Lama

A truly compassionate attitude toward others does not change even if they behave negatively or hurt you.~ Dalai Lama

Sleep is the best meditation.
~ Dalai Lama

Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. -Dalai Lama

Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend – or a meaningful day.
~ Dalai Lama

Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them.
~ Dalai Lama

It is very important to generate a good attitude, a good heart, as much as possible. From this, happiness in both the short term and the long term for both yourself and others will come.
~ Dalai Lama

All major religious traditions carry basically the same message, that is love, compassion and forgiveness the important thing is they should be part of our daily lives.
~ Dalai Lama

Sometimes one creates a dynamic impression by saying something, and sometimes one creates as significant an impression by remaining silent.
~ Dalai Lama

True compassion is universal in scope. It is accompanied by a feeling of responsibility. – Dalai Lama

Under the bright sun, many of us are gathered together with different languages, different styles of dress, even different faiths. However, all of us are the same in being humans, and we all uniquely have the thought of “I,” and we´re all the same in wanting happiness and in wanting to avoid suffering. -Dalai Lama

We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.
~ Dalai Lama

Whether one believes in a religion or not, and whether one believes in rebirth or not, there isn’t anyone who doesn’t appreciate kindness and compassion.
~ Dalai Lama

When we are young and again when we are old, we depend heavily on the affection of others. Between these stages we usually feel that we can do everything without help from others and that other people’s affection is simply not important. But at this stage I think it is very important to keep deep human affection.
~ Dalai Lama

It is necessary to help others, not only in our prayers, but in our daily lives. If we find we cannot help others, the least we can do is to desist from harming them.
~ Dalai Lama

This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness. ~ Dalai Lama

I find hope in the darkest of days, and focus in the brightest. I do not judge the universe.
~ Dalai Lama

Whether someone believes something or not, believer or non-believer, as long as you are a member of the human family, you need warm human feeling, warmhearted feeling. The question of world peace, the question of family peace, the question of peace between wife and husband, or peace between parents and children, everything is dependent on that feeling of love and warmheartedness. -Dalai Lama

If you have a particular faith or religion, that is good. But you can survive without it.
~ Dalai Lama

The roots of all goodness lie in the soil of appreciation for goodness.
~ Dalai Lama

In the practice of tolerance, one’s enemy is the best teacher.
~ Dalai Lama

Today, more than ever before, life must be characterized by a sense of Universal responsibility, not only nation to nation and human to human, but also human to other forms of life.
~ Dalai Lama

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.
~ Dalai Lama

A truly compassionate attitude toward others does not change even if they behave negatively or hurt you. -Dalai Lama

Click here to read: Dalai Lama Books

Wisdom Quotes From Mother Teresa

Here are some inspirational and motivational quotes by very inspirational Lady herself, Mother Teresa!

We shall never know all the good that a simple smile can do.
~ Mother Teresa

I want you to be concerned about your next door neighbor. Do you know your next door neighbor?
~ Mother Teresa

Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
~ Mother Teresa

It is not the magnitude of our actions but the amount of love that is put into them that matters.
~ Mother Teresa

Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired.
~ Mother Teresa

God doesn’t require us to succeed; he only requires that you try.
~ Mother Teresa

Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do… but how much love we put in that action.
~ Mother Teresa

Do not wait for leaders; do it alone, person to person.
~ Mother Teresa

I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.
~ Mother Teresa

Our life of poverty is as necessary as the work itself. Only in heaven will we see how much we owe to the poor for helping us to love God better because of them.
~ Mother Teresa

Many people mistake our work for our vocation. Our vocation is the love of Jesus.
~ Mother Teresa

Sweetest Lord, make me appreciative of the dignity of my high vocation, and its many responsibilities. Never permit me to disgrace it by giving way to coldness, unkindness, or impatience.
~ Mother Teresa

Good works are links that form a chain of love.
~ Mother Teresa

Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.
~ Mother Teresa

Intense love does not measure, it just gives.
~ Mother Teresa

The miracle is not that we do this work, but that we are happy to do it.
~ Mother Teresa

I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world.
~ Mother Teresa

In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love.
~ Mother Teresa

There is always the danger that we may just do the work for the sake of the work. This is where the respect and the love and the devotion come in – that we do it to God, to Christ, and that’s why we try to do it as beautifully as possible.
~ Mother Teresa

Let us more and more insist on raising funds of love, of kindness, of understanding, of peace. Money will come if we seek first the Kingdom of God – the rest will be given.
~ Mother Teresa

We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop.
~ Mother Teresa

The success of love is in the loving – it is not in the result of loving. Of course it is natural in love to want the best for the other person, but whether it turns out that way or not does not determine the value of what we have done.
~ Mother Teresa

We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature – trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence… We need silence to be able to touch souls.
~ Mother Teresa

If we want a love message to be heard, it has got to be sent out. To keep a lamp burning, we have to keep putting oil in it.
~ Mother Teresa

Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier.
~ Mother Teresa

The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis, but rather the feeling of being unwanted.
~ Mother Teresa
I do not pray for success, I ask for faithfulness.
~ Mother Teresa

You can find more Mother Teresa Books and Biography Here.

Abraham Lincoln Quotes: Famous Sayings Of Abraham Lincoln

Abraham Lincoln is one of wisest man that is admired throughout the world. He was not only one of the best US president but his skill as a leader and his upbringing from hard work till his death is so inspirational and motivational for many. Here are some of wisdom and success quotes from Abraham Lincoln.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
~ Abraham Lincoln

No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.
~ Abraham Lincoln

Let not him who is houseless pull down the house of another, but let him work diligently and build one for himself, thus by example assuring that his own shall be safe from violence when built.
~ Abraham Lincoln

The philosophy of the school room in one generation will be the philosophy of government in the next.
~ Abraham Lincoln

In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.
~ Abraham Lincoln

Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves.
~ Abraham Lincoln

A friend is one who has the same enemies as you have.
~ Abraham Lincoln

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
~ Abraham Lincoln

Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.
~ Abraham Lincoln

Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle.
~ Abraham Lincoln

Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other.
~ Abraham Lincoln

The shepherd drives the wolf from the sheep’s for which the sheep thanks the shepherd as his liberator, while the wolf denounces him for the same act as the destroyer of liberty. Plainly, the sheep and the wolf are not agreed upon a definition of liberty.
~ Abraham Lincoln

See also:

Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (fiction)

The Life of Abraham Lincoln

You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.
~ Abraham Lincoln

The time comes upon every public man when it is best for him to keep his lips closed.
~ Abraham Lincoln

Some single mind must be master, else there will be no agreement in anything.
~ Abraham Lincoln

America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.
~ Abraham Lincoln

Character is like a tree and reputation like a shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing.
~ Abraham Lincoln

Don’t worry when you are not recognized, but strive to be worthy of recognition.
~ Abraham Lincoln

I’m a slow walker, but I never walk back.
~ Abraham Lincoln

Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
~ Abraham Lincoln

Every one desires to live long, but no one would be old.
~ Abraham Lincoln

Most people are as happy as they make up their minds to be.
~ Abraham Lincoln

That some achieve great success, is proof to all that others can achieve it as well.
~ Abraham Lincoln

I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better.
~ Abraham Lincoln

Never stir up litigation. A worse man can scarcely be found than one who does this.
~ Abraham Lincoln

Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?
~ Abraham Lincoln

Everybody likes a compliment.
~ Abraham Lincoln

A house divided against itself cannot stand.
~ Abraham Lincoln

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
~ Abraham Lincoln

The way for a young man to rise is to improve himself in every way he can, never suspecting that anybody wishes to hinder him.
~ Abraham Lincoln

I do not think much of a man who is not wiser today than he was yesterday.
~ Abraham Lincoln